I’ve been deconstructing, re-negotiating what i’ve learned about faith and Christianity for quite some time now. I think I’ve started longer than I choose to think. The first few years were more like pretending I don’t have questions and that I’m rock-solid. So a lot of late nights thinking about hell and the state of my eschatological destination, just simply causing my own anxiety. From the time I was indoctrinated, I was taught that questioning God is tantamount to losing one’s faith, and that could mean I will be damned for eternity. Scared as hell, my mind would ask, “God, if you are good and you love me, why can’t you just save me? Why do I need to obey lofty rules? Didn’t you love unconditionally?” I’m sure you asked the same question, at least in your head because if your pastor finds out, he’ll talk about you up on stage for everyone to see.
How can a God who claims to love us all, exclude people who aren’t christians? How can he not see that the LGBTQ are also made in his image? Is he bound to carry out his laws and be offended because some people don’t think he exists, gay, or have a different beliefs? How about those who have not even seen a bible?
It has been a struggle to find meaning in a faith that claims to follow a man who exemplified the very meaning of love because they seem to find more ways to exclude, create divide, elevate their own biases to serve their purpose.
I don’t know what I believe now, I don’t know if God is truly shown in Jesus, I don’t know a lot of things and that’s ok. That should be the essence of faith. Even that, I’m not sure.
In the church community I belong to, not everyone is going through the same struggle as I do, except for my sister and brother-in-law. The members seem to be more concerned about preserving their way of believing. I understand them. It’s not easy to let go of beliefs and practices that no longer make sense. Because letting those go can be painful and not all can bear the weight. Years of openly asking difficult questions in the church seem to not affect them. If it did, they felt like they are being excluded and smart shamed because they don’t ask the same questions, they don’t look for answers and meaning. They want it safe and unshaken. Sheltered from the chaos that will definitely show its head when you start tearing apart what you’ve built for years.
It feels like the community is turning into a place where questions are set aside again. It’s forcing me to walk ahead of everyone else in this journey.
May The Great Creator see me and walk alongside me as I journey in these roads less travelled.
Long But Joyous Journey 